dragon writes a lame script >>

[Dragon]

(Curtains open)
(P4 stands at counter, P3 is in the background)
(P4 goes to lock the door)
(P1 and P2 barge in)
P1 + KTELNY. No don’t close yet! We still have to get our Christmas gifts! Just stay open a little longer! (begging P4 to keep the store open a little longer)
P4. Fine! Fine! You have five minuets, and then I’m closing up. Just be quick!
(P1 and P2 go around looking at things to buy)
(P4 goes back to the counter)
(P3 goes over to the counter and pulls out a gun)
P3. Give me all the money in the register!
(P1 and P2 start panic)
P3. (P3 turns to face P1 and P2) Shut up!
(P4 drops something on P3’s head and P3 faints)
P4. Break it and buy it now, pay up!
KATELNY. But YOU’RE the one who broke it!
(start arguing about the broken vase)
(P3 wakes up)
P3. How can I get the money now!
P1. She’s waking up!
(everyone huddles together and P4 reaches for something else to drop on her head)
P3. Wait no! I don’t want to steal, but I can’t find another way to get enough money in time.
P1. In time for what?
P3. My moms sick and needs an operation, but we don’t have enough money to cover it.
P2. Maybe we could help with that
(everyone agrees)
P4. The store can loan you some money, but you’ll have to pay back.
P1. Let’s go discuses this over ice-cream!
(everyone exits the stage)

[Dragon]

ok this is so getting deleted as soon as i can XD the P1 and P2 is only because i won't tell you the people in meh groups real name... i will tell you i am playing p2 though

anyway i know the format just looking for content advice XD

[GOD!]

..Ice cream?

well first off Dragon, you jumped around to much, not enough time to build suspense. An example could be before p3 pulls out the gun they can discuss what to buy. Might even ad a few more sentences in places, or some more actions.

But words won't also build expense, if this is going to be like a play, when you perform in front of people you could pantomime some stuff. An another example could be the person who is robbing could seem suspicious and maybe she paces back and forth trying to think about how to pull of the crime.

During the part with the mother, add some silent gestures too. Like it is hitting every body, the truth on the matter, let it soak in.